The idea to visit the capital of England came to me suddenly and without any concrete reasons, like most of my little adventures. Boredom, monotony, simple need to shift things up, wanderlust, how about a trip abroad? Sounds like a good idea. But where? Suddenly a lightbulb lit up in my convoluted mind and I remembered that I have a childhood friend in London, shit I even have family nearby, back from the days when at least a third of every Polish family would migrate to England to look for a brighter future. A quick look at my bank account and I was ready to roll, had fuck all on it but it’s just about enough to visit family and attach to them like a leech for a warm bed and stale bread, don’t know about your family but I know better than to trust mine to take good care of anything, let alone their own blood, but I assumed that their invitation from 5 years ago was still standing, so I was just a quick phone call and a cheap Ryan Air flight away from my leisure escape from this Polish hell of a country. I also looked some cheap AirBnB rooms in advance, you know, just in case. YOU CAN NEVER TRUST YOUR FAMILY.
I started packing, I just needed the essentials so a small case was enough. Socks, a couple of t-shirts, some underwear in case I feel like wearing any, cigarettes, more cigarettes and then some cigarettes, I’m not stupid, I’m not paying for my addictions in English pounds. I even packed some e-fags just in case, even though I hate all that vape bullshit. Chargers for all the Apple products I took with me, toothbrush, toothpaste, cologne and a pack of magnum-sized condoms. Obviously. I went to bed early and set my phone alarm for barbaric 4am, ungodly hour but you got to do what you got to do.
I called in a favor and a friend of mine gave me a ride to the airport, bless his soul. While there I had my second cup of shitty airport coffee for a price that would afford me a luxury living for a week and embarked on a journey towards the nearest area for smokers, which turned out to be a 2 by 2 glass cage, something straight out of a Saw movie, made me feel ashamed and physically sick just by stepping in there and lighting a smoke with 2 more people in there. It’s disgusting this smoker shaming, it’s worse than watching chimpanzees in a zoo. European Union has got to go, we smokers need our freedom. I chilled for bit and it was time board, thankfully the airport security didn’t catch me smuggling that bag of cocaine in my luggage.
The flight itself took no more than 3 hours and was quite comfortable, which was a nice change of pace from sitting inside that glass cage they call the airport smoking area. AREA! As for the airplane food- there’s not much to say, they served some kind of a funky-smelling casserole, from which I couldn’t recognize any ingredients, it was nasty, but at least it was warm and filling. Don’t know about you guys, but for me, flying is always painful, literally. As soon as the plane lifts off I get this pain in my ear, I know, I know, it’s the air pressure and swallowing usually helps, but not in my case, I suffer like that for at least two weeks afterwards.
The plane eventually landed on Heathrow, where (as I predicted) no one stood in waiting for my precious arrival, so I had to get my shit together and take initiative. I called my family and it seemed they all just woke up and told me to chill and get to downtown, thankfully I’m a citizen of the world, fluent in multiple languages so I caught a cab and started exploring. Fuck those family people. What immediately caught my eye were all those beautiful women, don’t listen to people that tell you English females are whales, like in that joke, get it? Whales? Wales? HAHA! It’s not true, women in London are stunning, you can feel that mix of different nationalities, people from all over the world living in complete harmony, messing around, drinking, fucking and exchanging all those wonderful gene-pools to an amazing effect. That’s probably why London is such a Mekka of sex tourism in Europe, next to the Red Lights District in Amsterdam, or maybe even surpassed it nowadays.